Chapter Thirteen

Photo by Frank Kovalchek

Death and Andi were at a table outside of a coffee chain.  Death had ordered two small cups of coffee, and had set one of them down on the table in front of Andi.

“Pick it up,” Death said.

Andi looked around to see if anyone was watching the two of them.  She thought there was a good chance someone might freak out if they saw a coffee cup moving around by itself in broad daylight.

“What if someone sees?” she said to Death.

“No one will.  People don’t notice me unless I want them to.  No one will notice you until you learn how to be noticeable,” Death said. 

“I noticed you,” Andi said. “Had you wanted me to?”

“Well, OK, sometimes people notice me when I’m not expecting it.  Usually I notice them shortly afterwards because they run away screaming.  It’s OK, though, other people are remarkably good at not looking to see what a running, screaming person is running away from,” Death said.

“That doesn’t make sense,” Andi said.

“People don’t make sense,” Death said.  “Now, pick up the coffee.”

Andi shrugged, and reached for the coffee cup.  She could feel it, again, as her hand passed through it.  It was curious to her that although she could definitely tell the coffee was hot, there wasn’t any pain.  Really, passing her hand through hot coffee should have had her dancing around, shaking her hand, and looking for a bucket of ice water to plunge her arm into.

“OK,” Death said.  She took a sip of her own coffee.  “Now try it again.  Really focus on your hand, and on grabbing the cup.”

Andi focused as well as she could on her hand.  She chanted a little mental mantra to herself hand… hand… hand…

She reached for the cup, and passed through it again.

“Damn it,” she said, under her breath.

“Try again,” Death said. “Think of it this way: why don’t you fall through the floors, or sink into the ground?  It’s because you have an internal rule that says you won’t.”

“I could fall through the floor?” Andi said.  She sounded mildly panicked.  The thought hadn’t even occurred to her, and now she was picturing herself getting trapped in a basement, or somewhere underground, until she either went mad or figured out how to get out again.

“Well, if you were going to, you would have already.  Anyway, you need to make a rule that says you can grab things when you want to.  But, I guess, in order to do that, you’re going to have to succeed at grabbing something.  Hmm… It’s kind of a chicken or egg problem.  Anyway, try again.  Think your hand solid.  Imagine the building blocks of the universe coming together to make your hand a solid thing.  I hate to say this because it sounds phony, but… visualize.”

Andi did.  She thought about tiny atoms, knitting themselves together, making chemical bonds, grouping together to make a solid, tangible hand at the end of her arm.  She thought about bricks and mortar. She imagined a container being filled with fine sand, the sand getting packed in, making the container stronger and stronger.

She reached for the cup, and her hand passed through it again.

“Damn it!” she said, somewhat louder than she’d meant to.

Death’s phone rang then.

“Whoops, that’s our cue to leave,” Death said.  “Just keep practicing, you’ll get it.”

The next collection was a twenty four year old man named Tyler Brown.  Death and Andi appeared at the place of the collection, and it took Andi a moment to get her bearings.  She looked around, and realized she was near the middle of an wide open field.  She didn’t see any people nearby.  Who were they supposed to collect?

“Um, where is this person we’re supposed to collect?” Andi asked Death.

Death pointed up, and said, “At the moment, up there.”

Andi was puzzled for just a second, then realized she could hear an airplane’s engine droning somewhere above them.  She looked up, and saw a fairly big airplane flying low, at least compared to how high the jets she had noticed in the past flew.  Then she saw one little spec after another coming out of the airplane.

After a second, she realized she was seeing skydivers.

“Don’t walk around at all,” Death said.  “I don’t think you’ll like the feeling of a skydiver landing through you.”

Andi stayed put where she was, looking up.  In a matter of seconds, the specs sprouted great, colorful parachutes, and came spiraling down, one after the other.  Except for one.

One of the specs did not open a parachute, and the spec grew larger and more man-shaped at an incredible rate.  Seconds later, the now full-sized man slammed into the ground directly in front of Andi and Death.

“Holy crap!” Andi said before she could catch herself.

Tyler’s soul stood next to them, looking down at his remains.

“Well, that’s a fucking drag,” he said.  “How did both of my chutes fail?”

“Sometimes it’s just your time to go,” Death said.

Tyler seemed to actually notice the two of them them.

“Who are you? Were you just standing here watching as I died?” he said.

“We are here to escort you from this world,” Death said.  She reached out to him. “Would you come with us?”

“Why does it take two of you?” Tyler gestured towards Andi.  “And she doesn’t look all otherworldly like you, she just looks like a college student.  What’s the deal?”

Death wasn’t quite prepared for that question, but handled it as well as she could. “She’s in training.”

“Oh, great, so my death was just a training run.  Beautiful,” Tyler said.  He sounded incredibly annoyed.

“It wasn’t a training run, she’s just observing as I work,” Death started to explain, then remembered that she didn’t have to explain herself to someone who had just willingly jumped out of a perfectly good airplane.  “Anyway, would you come with us, please?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Tyler said.

After they had delivered Tyler to the gateway, Andi asked Death a question that had just occurred to her, as she was thinking back on her high school years of customer service jobs.

“So how many of the people you collect would you say are unpleasant to deal with?” Andi said.

Death laughed and said, “That wasn’t unpleasant to deal with.  That was ‘somewhat cranky’ at worst.”

“OK, well, all the same, how many of the collections are a real drag?” Andi said.

“Oh, I don’t know.  There are a few jerks here and there.  You know, people don’t magically become nice just because they’re dead.  They’re still the same people,” Death said.  “But most people are the same as they were in life, basically nice folks, more or less polite, as friendly as they would be meeting anyone new.”

Andi thought about this for a second, and said, “OK, I guess that makes sense.  So there isn’t a whole lot of people mourning themselves, or otherwise being upset?”

“Fewer than you would think,” Death said.  “I think most people are a little relieved.  It’s kind of like we’re setting them free.”

Andi didn’t say anything, and considered whether or not death was like being set free.  She wondered, briefly, if maybe she was missing out on something by not crossing over.  Then she decided that learning to be a grim reaper was pretty cool, and that she’d stick it out a little longer.

Death checked her phone to see when the next appointment was.  She almost couldn’t believe her eyes when she saw that they had thirty minutes.  That meant they could go and get Death’s bike from in front of Andi’s dorm, and it was possible that they would even have time to stop and get something to eat.

Death discovered she was in a much better mood, all of a sudden.

She said to Andi, “Let’s go get my motorcycle.  It’s been parked for too long.”

Andi and Death appeared, unnoticed as always, in front of Andi’s former dorm.  Death’s bike sat exactly where she’d left it, unmolested.  There was snow packed on the ground, and the foot prints leading from the entrance to the dorm and past the motorcycle all curved around Death’s bike, it didn’t look like anyone had even stopped to check it out.

Which is what Death would expect.

“Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle before?” Death asked Andi. 

Andi was marveling at how beautiful Death’s motorcycle was again, and it took her a second to realize she’d been asked a question.

“What? No. They’re too dangerous, my parents would have killed me,” Andi said.

Death smiled a little, “Well, I guess there’s nothing stopping you now, is there?  It’s pretty easy for you.  Get on after me, hang on, shut up, and don’t do anything stupid.”

Andi wondered if the thrill of motorcycling, whatever it might be, would be lessened by the fact that she couldn’t die again.  Or how she could tell the temperatures of things, but they no longer affected her comfort.

Death had stood the bike up, and was looking at her, waiting for her to get on the back seat.  The little pad on the back fender looked impossibly small.  She hoped she wouldn’t fall off (and luckily, it didn’t occur to her then to think about what Death had said about falling through floors).

Andi got on the back of Death’s bike, and held on.

“Are you ready?” Death said.

“I guess so,” Andi said. 

Death started the motor.  She noticed it took a fraction of a second longer to start than normal, though the difference would be imperceptible to anyone else.  It had been sitting too long, but it had also been built by Hephaistos so it was, more or less, perfect in every respect.  Sitting didn’t bother it.  Riding through burning buildings didn’t bother it.

It didn’t seem to like being washed, though.

The motor roared to life.  Andi was stunned by how loud it was, and how visceral it felt as the bike rumbled underneath her. 

She fell in love with it immediately.

Death rolled the bike backwards with practiced ease, straightened it out on the sidewalk, and roared forward directly towards the dorms.

If she could have caught her breath, Andi would have screamed.

However, rather than coming to a very sudden stop from thirty miles an hour, the dorm transformed before Andi’s eyes into the street just a little ways down the road from a row of fast food chains.  When she realized what happened, and was able to get her tongue pried off the roof of her mouth, she laughed with delight.

Far too quickly for Andi’s liking, they reached one of the restaurants, and Death slowed and turned into the parking lot. 

When she shut down the bike, Death turned a little bit and said, “You get off first.”

The two of them had just started to walk towards the restaurant when Death’s phone rang.

Andi heard her mutter, “damn it.”

Death pulled her phone out and looked to see what bad news had been delivered.

Another immediate collection. The corner of Death’s mouth curled down, and she narrowly avoided launching into a rant about suicides interrupting her lunch.  However, she was, after all, a professional and she had to set an example for Andi. 

So instead, she said, “it looks like we have a collection we need to get to right now.  Lunch will have to wait,” and turned around to walk back to the bike.

As Death was starting the bike again, Andi could have sworn she heard her mutter, “fucking suicides.”

The two of them roared out of the parking lot of the Jack in the Box that was supposed to have been where they got lunch.  Seconds later they were hurtling down the road in the middle of the desert.  A great plume of black smoke made it obvious where they were headed, especially because the burning building was the only building anywhere near them.  The road stretched ahead (and behind them, not that Andi could see it) into nothingness.

Death skidded to a halt in the gravel parking lot of what looked like it had been a bar before being engulfed in flames.  There was a long row of other motorcycles neatly parked in front of the building.

Andi was amazed at the amount of heat coming from the flames, and was mildly relieved that she didn’t have to actually feel like she was being cooked.

There were a large number of people and souls standing outside of the burning building.  Enough that it was actually kind of difficult to tell them apart.  However, there was one man standing outside of the building who stood out for two reasons.

One reason was that he was enormous.  He stood head and shoulders above everyone else in the parking lot, dressed head to toe in black.  Black sunglasses, black leather vest, black t-shirt, black leather cuffs around his wrists, black leather pants, black boots.  He was built like a professional wrestler, with long curly black hair and a tight, short beard.

The other reason was that absolutely everyone else was edging away from him, souls and still-living folk alike.

He was taunting the crowd that was trying to get away from him, and apparently hadn’t noticed Death and Andi when they’d arrived.

Andi stayed next to the bike and watched as Death stomped over to this man who was able to intimidate an entire crowd of living and dead bikers, and shoved him.

“You asshole, Ares! What could they have done that was so bad you had to keep me from getting lunch? Again,” Death said. 

She stood with her hands on her hips, glaring at him.

Ares turned around quickly, surprised, outraged and, apparently, sort of gleeful.  Then he recognized Death and it looked like it was his turn to be, well, not intimidated, but respectful.

“Hey! Hi Death! It’s good to see you!” Ares said, with a broad grin.

“I was seriously about to get some lunch.  What the hell Ares?” Death said.

“OK, OK, settle down a little bit.  I just wanted to see my old friend Death, is that so bad?” Ares said.

“I just saw you last week when you got all outraged about how you were treated by the clerk at a hot-rod shop and you decided the way to deal with it was to kill him and his family,” Death said. 

Ares smiled all the wider, “Well, OK, so maybe one of these bikers might have set me off.  I am a god of war. Sorry to have interrupted your lunch.  I’ll make it up to you.”

Death looked at the crowd of people who were still keeping a healthy distance between themselves and the large angry man in black leather.  It was going to be difficult to wrangle all of the souls together and get them out of here if they were still focused on avoiding Ares.

Death took a deep breath, let it out, and said, “OK, look, you can make it up to me today by taking a hike so I can get this mess cleaned up and get to my next appointment on time.”

Ares looked like he was about to argue with her, but then, apparently, though better of it.

“OK, I’ll get out of your hair.  I’ll see you around, Death,” Ares said, and gave her a dazzling smile.

He noticed Andi then, still standing by Death’s motorcycle. 

“Wait a second, now, who is she?” Ares said.

“That’s Andi, she’s helping me out,” Death said.

“Oh, like an intern?  Cool.  I had one of those one time.  It didn’t work out,” Ares said, and shrugged.

“I’m shocked,” Death said. “I would have thought you would still be close friends with whoever it was.”

“Me too, but, you know, he said something about pursuing other opportunities and needing new challenges,” Ares said.

“I’m pretty sure that was so he could quit without getting killed,” Death said.

Ares appeared to consider this for a moment, and then said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.  I do have something of a temper.  OK, well, see ya later Death.”

He turned and gave Andi a big wave.  She ducked, then waved back.  And with that, he was gone.

Death whistled loud enough to shock Andi, then said to the faces that had turned to look, “Would everyone who is now dead please come with me.”

Better than half of the group that had been milling about walked over and gathered near Death.  There were members of two different motorcycle clubs present, apparently.  One group had been members of the Road Goblins MC, and the others had been members of the Irritable Rogers MC.

“So what the hell did you guys do to piss off Ares?” Death asked them.

Everyone turned and looked at one of the Road Goblins, who in turn looked deeply embarrassed.

“Nugg over here told him to get out of the god damned way when he was ordering a beer, and shoved him.”

Death nodded.  That would do it.

She looked back and Andi, gestured one minute, and she and the souls stepped out of this world.

As they were waiting for the gateway to appear, one of the Irritable Rogers said to Death, “Is that your bike back there?”

“Yes,” Death said.

“It’s sweet.  Who built it?” the biker said.

“A friend of mine,” Death said.

“Anyone I would know?” the biker said.

“Probably not,” Death said, and smiled.

Andi was still standing next to Death’s bike when she got back.

“So, who was the guy in black?” was the first thing Andi said to Death.

Death gave her a wry smile, and said, “That was Ares.”

“The god of war?  What the hell is he doing here in the desert?” Andi said.

“Getting into bar fights, as usual,” Death said.  She checked the time.  They had to be at the next collection in five minutes.

“Are you two friends?” Andi said.

Death had to stop and think about how to answer.  Were they friends?  They weren’t enemies, exactly.  On the one hand, Ares had been a massive pain in the ass in more ways than she could count, and that was just him.  Add in the hassle of his cousin who was extremely of her for some reason, and he was directly and indirectly responsible for a hell of a lot of annoyances for her.

On the other hand, he’d given her the motorcycle Hephaistos had built for him, so that was pretty cool.

“It’s complicated,” Death said.  “He’s basically a good guy so long as you don’t irritate him or get in his way when he’s already irritated.  Ares is a ‘kill everybody in sight first and ask questions later’ kind of guy.”

“Anyway, we’ve got a collection to get to. Let’s roll,” she said.