Chapter Twenty

Photo by a2gemma

It had been a couple of weeks since the incident with Ares at the pub.  Andi was proving herself to be a reliable and competent intern, and Death had started giving her a little more responsibility again.

At the moment, both of them were having a cup of coffee, outside of a large coffee chain.  It wasn’t the kind of place that would be Death’s first pick, but it had been conveniently next to the location of the immediately previous collection, so it was the obvious choice.

The two of them had been quietly drinking their coffee together when Death’s phone rang.  Another immediate collection.  Damn it, and she’d just gotten some coffee too.  Death decided she was bringing the coffee with her, she wasn’t about to miss out of her coffee because of someone else’s bad choices.

The only problem was that the next scheduled collection was in just a few minutes.  She was doing to have to deal with both of these problems.  Then it occurred to her that the solution was already sitting right next to her, also drinking coffee.

Death turned to her, and said, “Another immediate collection.  I’ll deal with this one, but I’m going to need you to go and handle Ms. Ferguson in two minutes.  Is that cool?”

Andi perked up a bit.  Getting to run a collection entirely unescorted was going to be a new experience, and it meant that deat was beginning to trust her again.

“Sure,” Andi said.  “I can do that.”

“Great,” Death said.  She gave Andi the important details that weren’t already on Andi’s checklist, wished her luck, and vanished.

Andi was little bit surprised at how little fanfare had been involved in sending her off to handle a collection, alone.  She checked the time, finished her coffee and set off to collect Ms. Ferguson.

Violet Ferguson, eighty four, had been the secretary for an elementary school until she’d retired nine years earlier.  Since then, she’d spent her time making and selling vulgar cross-stitch pieces at craft shows.  At the moment, she was working on one that said “Fuck this bullshit, I’m getting drunk.”

When Andi arrived, it took her a moment to notice that all of the stereotypical old lady decorations had a peculiar bent to them.  She was mildly shocked when she realized that all of the pieces she would have expected to say things like “Home Sweet Home” or “Kindness, Laughter and Friendship are always welcome here” were short on saccharine sentiments and long on profanity.

Andi decided she kind of liked this Violet Ferguson.

She checked her notes, and started counting down until Violet Ferguson’s final moments.  There wasn’t a great deal to do, since Violet was going to simply have a stroke and quietly die right there in her chair.

At the appointed time, Violet’s eyes rolled, she dropped the embroidery she’d been working on, and slumped back in her chair, dead.

“Well, shit, I liked that one, too,” Violet’s soul said.

“I’m sorry,” Andi said.  “It was simply your time.  Would you come along with me, Violet?”

Andi held her hand out to Violet.

Violet looked at her and said, “I thought for sure you’d be older, skinnier, and wearing a black cloak.  That’s how you looked last time, anyway.”

Andi was too surprised to say anything.  None of the souls she’d been around to collect had said anything along those lines to her before.

“Last time?” Andi said.

“Ouch.  Well, I guess you see enough people in the course of your work that you wouldn’t remember me.  I died on the operating room table, twice, before I managed to stay in my body.  I met you then, though you looked different.”

Of course, Andi thought, she’s had a near-death experience.  She’d know what Death looks like if she’d been paying attention.

“You must have met Death,” Andi said.  “She’s my boss.  I’m Andi, nice to meet you.”

“Andi huh? Are there are lot of you grim reaper types running around?” Violet said.

Andi hesitated a bit, then said, ‘So far as I know, there is just the two of us.  Death says there are others, but I have yet to see any of them.”

Violent nodded, “I guess I’m not surprised.  There are lots of people out there, and all of them are going to die eventually.  Seems like a lot to handle for one person.”

She looked around at the room they were in, looked down at her body, and said, “OK, I guess I’m ready to go.”

Andi offered Violet her hand, and Violet took it.  The two of them stepped out of the world.

When Andi was finished escorting Violet, she realized that she really had no idea when Death would be back.  She might have a few minutes to herself, which was a luxury she hadn’t had in quite a while.

Andi thought for a couple of seconds about what she might do, and then she decided on something.  She would go and visit Rob.  With that decision, she focused on Rob, and stepped away.

Rob was sitting at his desk, cramming for his final exams.  Assuming he didn’t somehow flunk any of his classes, he would be graduating after this term.

He was quite absorbed in his studies, and didn’t notice Andi when she appeared in his room.  Andi was a little surprised by the new surroundings.  The last time she’d seen Rob, he’d lived in the dorms.  She wondered how long she’d been dead.  It didn’t seem all that long.

“Hi Rob,” Andi said.

Rob started, then laughed, and then turned around to see who was talking to him.  When he saw it was Andi, he started again, and uttered a little shriek before fumbling and falling off his chair.  Rob scrambled back up again, and looked at Andi with a mixture of curiosity and terror.

“Andi?” Rob said.

“That’s me,” Andi said, and smiled.

“But you’re dead,” Rob said.  “And you’ve been dead for, gee, two years, give or take.  I was at your funeral and you were definitely dead.  You can’t be here,” Rob said. 

He seemed to settle down a bit then, and even smiled a little bit.  “OK, I fell asleep studying and now I’m dreaming that you’re here.  I must be missing you without realizing it at the moment.  Any second here, I’m going to wake up, say ‘that was a weird dream’ and go get some coffee so I can keep studying.”

That wasn’t really the reaction Andi had been expecting.  She’s been expecting, actually, for Rob to be happy to see her.  She was a little hurt, to be honest.

***

Death wasn’t sure, at the moment, if she would have been more irritated to find another suicide rather than to discover Ares was at it again.

This time, Death found herself watching chaos unfold in a bank.  One of the tellers, already dead, hung limp over the counter.  Ares was holding another one up by his hair.

“All I want to do is withdraw some of my money.  Why is this so complicated?  Keeping my money until I need it is your job, that’s why I have an account here.  I don’t give you my money so that you can refuse to give it back to me when I ask.  I’d even asked nicely.  Look, I’d even filled out one of these fucking withdrawal slips, so you don’t have to do anything but count out my money.  Why, exactly, to I have to talk to the branch manager in order to get my money?” Ares said. 

He was shoving the withdrawal slip in the teller’s face.

“I’m just following the rules,” the teller said.  He was struggling, but there’s honestly not much a person can do to resist when they’ve been lifted by the hair and held at arm’s length by a god of war.

“Well, who the hell can help me then?  Where’s this branch manager you all are so freaking dependent on in order to do your jobs?” Ares said.

The branch manager was, in fact, cowering behind his desk at the moment, having a quick peek over his cube wall now and then in order to see if the scary man had gone away.  When he saw that he hadn’t, he ducked back down.

The teller was a little too occupied with being terrified and experiencing an astonishing about of pain in his scalp to point to the branch manager’s cubicle, but he looked over that way, and Ares followed the teller’s gaze until he spotted the little placard that said “Branch Manager.”

“Thanks,“ Ares said, and dismissively threw the teller into the nearby wall.  The teller collapsed to the floor in a heap.

Ares strode over to the branch manager’s cube, and quickly spotted him hiding under his desk.

“Customer service is required here, asshole,” Ares said.  He grabbed the edge of the desk and lifted sharply, pulling it free from its mounting and exposing the branch manager, who had curled up into a little ball. 

Ares grabbed him by the collar, and lifted him to his feet.  The branch manager screamed and wet himself a little bit.

“Now,” Ares said.  “Maybe you can explain why it is that I can’t have my money.”

“It’s just a very big withdrawal for us, we’re not used to dealing with that kind of cash with no notice,” the branch manager said apologetically.  He’d wanted to sound firm and professional, but failed completely.

“Well, that’s just horseshit, man.  You’re a damned bank.  This is where people keep their money.  I can’t think of any reason why I shouldn’t be able to come in here and get my money out,” Ares said.  “No wonder everyone hates bankers, you guys suck.”

Death supposed she should intervene, even though this time it seemed like Ares actually had a point.

“Ares,” Death said, “I think he’s learned his lesson.  He’s already ruined his suit, maybe cut him a little slack this one time?”

Ares looked sharply to see who was telling him to cool it, but he relaxed when he saw it was Death.  He kept a firm hold of the branch manager, but spoke conversationally with Death.

“Hi Death!  Where’s your trainee?  Did you have to fire her?” Ares said.

“She’s off taking care of a collection, since you had to interrupt my day, again,” Death said.  She sounded kind of tired.

“Interrupt? Oh, yeah,” Ares said, and glanced at the two bodies on the other side of the room.

“I don’t suppose you could let him go, just this once?  I promise you, his ending is going to be pretty unpleasant anyway,” Death said, indicating the branch manager.

“Well,” Ares said.  “OK, I guess.  I suppose he’s learned his lesson.”

Ares set the branch manager down again, but kept ahold of his collar.

“Right?” Ares said to him.

“Sure thing, you’ve got it,” the branch manager said in a rush.  “Anything you want.”

Ares looked at him with no small amount of suspicion, but let him go.

“Don’t forget it,” Ares said.

The branch manager walked backwards as quickly as he could, not turning his back on Ares.

Ares turned to Death, and resumed the conversation in an ordinary tone of voice.

“So have you got time for me to buy you a make-up dinner today?  Anything you’re in the mood for, just name it,” Ares said.

“No thanks, Ares, I don’t have time and I have to get these two over…” Death said and trailed off.  She looked as though she was trying to overhear a conversation that was just slightly too soft to hear easily.

“Well, just give me the word,” Ares said.  “Like I said, anything you’d like, my treat.”

Death wasn’t looking at Ares.  She had an annoyed expression on her face.

“Damn it,” she muttered.   “Look, I’ve got to get these two souls over and then go take care of another mess, Ares.  I’ll catch you later.”

Ares looked disappointed, for a moment.

“Oh.  OK.  See you later, Death,” Ares said.  “But be sure to call me, it’ll be my pleasure to buy you dinner sometime.”

Death grabbed the souls of the bank tellers by their arms, and stepped out of the world.

***

Rob couldn’t believe that he was talking to his dead friend Andi.  It was utterly impossible.  And even more impossible was what she was doing, now that she was dead.

“So, you’re learning how to be death?” Rob said.

“Yeah! Wait until you meet her, she’s a trip!” Andi said.

She was thrilled to be talking to Rob again.  Andi hadn’t realized how lonely she had actually gotten.  Learning to collect souls had kept her extremely busy, and Death was pretty cool, but it wasn’t the same as having a friend to pal around with.

Rob smiled slightly, and said, “I’m still trying to come to terms with the idea that you’re actually here in front of me and that I’m not dreaming.”

Andi pinched Rob’s arm, hard but affectionately, and said, “You’re not dreaming, I’m really here.”

The two of them were no longer alone.  Rob was not expecting to see Death when she appeared, so he didn’t.  Andi didn’t see her because she was too busy paying attention to Rob.

Had either of them noticed Death standing quietly behind Andi, they would have seen that she was not amused in the least.  In fact, any outside observer would probably describe Death’s apparent mood as “a state of high piss-off.”

Andi was still chatting a mile a minute with Rob.

“Wow, so I’ve been dead for way longer than I thought.  It’s weird how time passes now.  And so you’re almost done with school that’s…” is as far as Andi got before she appeared to vanish into thin air.

Rob blinked a couple of times, and looked around the room.  He was alone again.

“Andi?” he said. “Hey, are you still here?”

There was no answer.  He wondered if that had actually happened, or if he was just dreaming of a long gone friend.