Chapter Twelve

Photo by Matti Mattila

Margaret Olson, 74, was about to die while she slept. She was in bed, next to her husband of three years, Thomas.

Death and Andi stood watching.  Before they had arrived, Death had given Andi some very specific instructions.

“Stand there quietly, watch, and do not disturb me while I’m working,” Death told her just before they left the McDonald’s.

The fact was, this was a pretty easy collection.  Show up, wait as Margaret slept, collect her at the appropriate time.  A monkey could do it.  They could have chatted, a little.  However, Death was actually still pretty steamed at Andi.  And, she had to admit, she was angry with herself as well.  She shouldn’t have let Andi distract her.

And she wondered why she had decided to let Andi help her out in the first place.  Sure, she could use a hand, no doubt about that, but she hadn’t even considered actually getting someone to help her out before Andi had suggested it.  It wasn’t like her to be impulsive.

She had to admit, though, that Andi seemed to get it.  Was that why?  Or was it because she’d taken some interest in Death, had asked about her motorcycle, had been concerned for how she was feeling?

Angry or not, Death was willing to give Andi a shot.  As long as she didn’t continually make things worse, she could keep tagging along.

And, Death supposed, she could show Andi the ropes, if she continued to show some promise.  It would be great to be able to actually share some of the workload, since it didn’t look like things were going to slow down any time soon.

Andi stood quietly and did her best to be unnoticeable.  Apart from the matching snores of Margaret and Thomas, the room was silent.  Andi looked around the room a bit and realized that, although it was dark, she could see everything in the room clearly.

It looked like her grandparents bedroom had looked, really.  There were a few things, lamps and pieces of furniture, that she suspected would be qualified as antiques, possibly valuable ones, mixed with new, cheap things from Wal-Mart.  Their things were clearly used, not just displayed.  It seemed comfortable. 

A couple moments later, Andi noticed that there was only one person snoring.  Margaret’s soul stood next to Death and Andi.  She looked at her body.  It looked as if she were actually still sleeping, for the moment.

“Oh, poor Thomas,” she said.  “He’s already lost one wife.”

Then she noticed Death, and smiled.

“Oh, hello.  I’m Margaret,” she said.

“I know, Margaret,” Death said.  She reached out her hand, “Would you come with me?

Margaret reached to take Death’s hand, then she noticed Andi.  She seemed a bit startled.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.  Who are you?” she said.

“I’m Andi, it’s nice to meet you,” Andi said. 

Margaret looked curious, but unsure of how to ask what was on her mind.  Death spoke and answered the question Margaret wanted to ask.

“She’s my assistant,” Death said.  “I’m teaching her how to do the job.  I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, no, of course I don’t mind,” Margaret said.

“Thank you,” Death said.  She reached out to Margaret again, “Are you ready to go?”

“Yes, I suppose I am,” Margaret said.  She took Death’s hand.  “Will Thomas be OK?”

“I couldn’t say, but I’m sure he will be,” Death said, and smiled.  She glanced over at Thomas.  The manner of a person’s death was just another feature to Death, like eye color or hairstyle.  Pneumonia, in about three weeks, is what she saw.

There was no need to trouble Margaret with that information, however.  She would find out for herself, or not, soon enough.  And it wasn’t like there was anything Margaret could do about it, anyway.

Seconds later, Death, Margaret and Andi were at the gateway. 

Andi had a moment of panic, thinking that Death was going to make her go through the gate as well.  However, Death just gently ushered Margaret through the doorway, and then the two of them stood together in the dark.

“I thought you were going to make me go, too,” Andi said when the gateway had vanished again.

Death gave Andi half of a smile, and said, “No, I’m not going to send you packing because of one screw up.”

“Why did you bring me here again, then?” Andi said.  “I had expected to be left behind in Margaret’s bedroom until you were done.  You didn’t bring me with the last couple of times.”

“I brought you with because I want you to observe.  And, I also wanted to keep an eye on you.  I can’t have you getting into mischief, idle hands and all,” Death said.

“What kind of mischief could I get into?  I can’t even pick things up,” Andi said.  “The worst I could do is wander off…”

“Exactly,” Death said.  “I told you about the ‘watching everything you love die and the unrelenting change of the world’ and the slow descent into madness if you run off, right?”

“You might have mentioned it,” Andi said.  She shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other.  “Actually… how is that going to change if I’m with you?  Maybe I shouldn’t be here.  The slow descent into madness doesn’t exactly sound like fun.”

“The difference is that you’re going to be with me.  And you’re going to have a purpose. Rather than simply observing the world change, you’re going to have a hand in it.  I’ve decided I’m going to train you,” Death said.

Andi wasn’t expecting that answer.  She’d actually been expecting Death to agree with her, and tell her than after she’d managed to deliver a pizza or two so Death could eat, she was going to escort her to the gateway and that was going to be it.

“What do you mean you’re going to train me?” Andi said.

“I’m going to teach you how to collect souls, and help me out,” Death said.

“Whoa,” Andi said.

“If that sounds good to you, I mean,” Death said.  “You don’t have to.”

Andi thought about it for a minute.  Become death? She worried briefly that she might be missing out by not crossing over.  Then she decided that, at least for now, tagging along with Death and learning the trade seemed like it would be pretty interesting.  And, perhaps, even noble.

“OK, let’s do it,” Andi said.

Death smiled.

“Great,” she said.

They stepped back into the world, on the street outside Margaret and Thomas’s house.

“I’ve got a question,” Andi said.

“OK,” Death said.

“If you can train me to collect souls… Does that mean there are other deaths out there?” Andi said.

Death took a deep breath, held it for a second, and let it out.

“Yes, there are others,” she said.

“OK,” Andi said. “So, do you all work together, or what?  Do you meet up for drinks now and then?”

Death laughed, and said, “No, we don’t meet up for drinks.  We do our best to avoid one another, actually.  Every now and then we cross paths.”

“Why do you avoid one another?” Andi asked.

“Well… It’s not like there are several other copies of me out there acting as death.  We’re all a little different, some of us are a lot different.  There are gods, angels, demons, forces of nature… We’ve got our own jobs to do,” Death said.  “And we generally prefer to work alone, as I’m sure you can understand.”

“OK.  But the end result is the same, somebody dies.  How is it that you don’t step on each other’s toes?” Andi said.

“Like I said, we’ve each got our own jobs,” Death said.

“Is it like you each have your own jurisdiction?” Andi said.

“Sure, that’s as good of an explanation as any,” Death said.

“So how do you know who you’re supposed to collect, and who is someone else’s job to collect?” Andi said.

“I can’t explain that.  I just do,” Death said. 

Her phone rang then.  There was another collection to be attended to.  Death looked at her phone. 

Now, it said, and gave her an address in Taos, New Mexico.

“Now?” Death said, mainly to herself.  She had a bad feeling.  Things had been getting faster and faster, but an immediate collection usually only meant one thing.

“We need to go,” Death said, quickly.

Andi still wasn’t satisfied with the explanation Death had given for how things worked with the other deaths and how they knew which people to collect and which were the responsibility of some other death.   However, she supposed she’d get a better answer some other time when things were less urgent.

The two of them disappeared from where they had been standing, and in the blink of an eye they were in Taos, outside of a pretty nice house.

Something occurred to Andi then, “Hey, don’t we need to get your motorcycle?  What’s the deal there?”

Death had been busy, but not so busy that she’d forgotten about her bike.  She was hurrying up the driveway and sidewalk to the house.  Andi struggled a bit to keep up with her.

“Yes, we’re going to need to go get it.  If we have a couple of minutes after this collection, we’ll go get it.  It’s still in front of your dorm, I think.”

“Why are we rushing like this?” Andi said.

“This is an immediate collection,” Death said.  “Something went wrong.  Either someone pissed off a god enough to get smote, or…”

“Smote?  That really happens?” Andi said.

“Yeah.  Mostly it’s Ares who gets bent out of shape and starts killing people nowadays.  It used to happen more, but most of the other gods have mellowed a bit.”

They were inside the house now, and rushing up the stairs.

“What does it mean if they weren’t, uh, struck down by an angry god?” Andi said.

Death grimaced and didn’t answer.

Andi was a little concerned about what they were going to encounter in the next few minutes.  If Death didn’t like it, it couldn’t be good.

Death opened the door to the bathroom and walked in.  Andi was initially mortified by the invasion of privacy, but a couple moments later she remembered that she had very recently witnessed several deaths, and really, what’s more private than that?  She followed Death into the bathroom.

Andi’s first thought was Wow, nice bathroom. Then she saw a bewildered looking soul, and dead body hanging in a noose tied to the shower door’s frame. 

And Death looked extremely pissed off.

James Vanderbeer, 47, had evidently hung himself.

“So, what, you just couldn’t wait for me to get around to visiting?” Death asked James.

“What?” James said.  He looked even more confused.

“Did you think you were going to do a better job of making yourself dead than I would have?  Because, let me tell you, I am way better at my job than you are.  Do you know how much work I had to put into planning your death?  The one you were supposed to have?  But no!  You just had to up and kill yourself.  I bet you’re one of those people who keeps pestering their family about what’s in the Christmas gifts until they just give up and let you open them so they can have a minute’s peace.  Asshole,” Death said.

James had no idea what was going on, and didn’t seem to be catching on especially quickly.  Which was another thing that annoyed Death about suicides: they always seemed to be surprised they were actually dead.

James wanted to understand what was happening.  He wasn’t exactly clear on why he was being subjected to an angry rant from an emaciated blonde in a cloak and, apparently, her trusty sidekick.  What he said was, “What?”

“You! Asshole!  You killed yourself.  It’s fucking insulting.  Ugh!” Death said.  “You know what, whatever! Come on, let’s get you to the other side so I can get back to doing my job.”

Death grabbed James by the ear and the three of them stepped out of this world.  As they stood, James confused, Death furious, Andi wondering what the hell was going on, and waited for the gateway to appear James spoke.

“You know, when I was hanging there…” he began saying, but Death cut him off before he could finish his thought.

“You realized that you could have solved every single one of the apparently insurmountable problems you just had to kill yourself over, and the only problem you couldn’t solve was the fact that you had up and killed yourself.  Like an asshole.  Yes, yes, very profound.  None of the other suicides I’ve had to clean up have ever been such a poetic and brilliant soul as you.  Oh, wait, all of them fucking say that.  Just shut up, would you?” Death said.

James was still apparently confused, but he did stop talking.

Andi, on the other hand, was utterly baffled.  Death had never been this harsh with any of the other souls she’d collected, at least when Andi was there.  It was a side of Death she hadn’t seen before.  Death hadn’t even been close to this furious when Andi had distracted her enough that she’d accidentally collected the wrong person.

The gateway appeared, and James appeared properly awed as the doors swung open and the brilliant light poured out.

“Am I…” James started to say, but Death interrupted him again.

“Hey, you’re the one who couldn’t wait to freaking get here, stop yapping and get moving,” she said.  She stuck her foot in the small of his back and shoved him through the gateway.  The gateway closed, and Death rubbed her face and said, “Suicides,” as though the word itself tasted foul.

Seconds later, Andi and Death were back in Taos, outside James’s house.

“I need a beer,” Death said.

On the one hand, Andi was afraid to say anything for fear of setting Death off again.  She would hate to be the one on the receiving end of Death’s wrath.  On the other hand, she was too confused about what had just happened to stay quiet.

“So, uh, what was is that upset you so much just then?  I’m confused,” Andi said.

Death looked at her, and Andi nearly flinched.  Death saw Andi’s discomfort, and relaxed the tiniest bit.

“Sorry.  Suicides piss me off,” Death said.

“Well, I figured that part out,” Andi said. “But what, exactly, is it about them that makes you mad?  Don’t you just have a checklist for them too?  Their deaths are planned too, right?”

“No, they’re not.  That’s the thing.  They’re taking matters into their own hands.  It’s insulting.  That guy had a great death all planned out.  He was going to reconcile with his estranged son and everything on his death bed.  I put a lot of work into that plan, and he just went and pulled the plug early,” Death said.

“He had an estranged son?” Andi said.

“Not yet.  His son is currently eight,” Death said.  “I hope it’s not the kid who finds him.”

Death paused for a second, then shook her head and said, “Selfish assholes.  I just can’t stand suicides.”

Andi was still stunned.

“Shouldn’t you have a little compassion for them?  I mean, their lives were apparently unbearable,” Andi said.  “Maybe it was the best thing for them.”

“No,” Death said firmly.  “Every single one of them says something along the lines of having realized they could have solved all their problems, except that they’d killed themselves.  It’s selfish bullshit.  Feel bad for their families and friends who had their hearts broken, but don’t feel bad for the suicides.”

Another thought crossed Andi’s mind.

“Do they go to Hell?” Andi asked Death.  “I mean, is that where they end up when they go through the gateway?”

“I couldn’t say,” Death said.  “I really have no idea, I just bring people to the gateway and they walk through it.  I assume that it takes them wherever they need to go next.”

Andi considered this for a moment, then said, “So, how about reincarnation?  Do people ever get reincarnated?”

Death thought for a second before answering, and said, “Yeah, sometimes.  Every now and then I’ve gone to collect an infant, and discover the soul is someone I’d collected just a few days or weeks earlier.”

Death stopped talking for a second, apparently lost in thought.  Her phone rang and brought her back out of her reverie.  Death checked her phone, and smiled.

“Sweet, we’ve got twelve minutes.  Let’s go get coffee,” Death said.